Hypothetical Self, Hypothetical Blog

A manifesto is in order, both for your benefit and for mine. 

I am sitting in Dragonfly in Sacramento, awaiting the bbq albacore that is what always brings me back to this place.  (Note: I am publishing this the next day from SF.)  Plus, the interior is pretty nice, given the city’s typical bland ambiance.   (The waitress, a well kempt twenty-something suburbanite, is pretty cute.  As much as I like urban arty girls, the sheltered preppy style is attractive as well.)

I just had a mock interview.  It was constructive, although many of the criticisms are leaving me rather contemplative about how I present myself to people.  Many of the negatives that I have had to face over the past six months concern communication: communicating to women how I feel, what I want from them, and how I feel about them; communicating to firms that if they hire me I will go to war with them with as much ferocity as any other young associate; communicating through exams to tell professors that I understand what they’ve spent all fall explaining.

Something is getting lost in the translation.

(photocredit)

In the last few years, and especially in the past sixteen months, I have been exploring facets of my character that have been left dormant / unrealized for a long time (always?).  In many ways, I am actualizing self-perceptions that I have felt but have not been able to exercise in reality.  For this reason, I sometimes seem akin to a child making those first awkward steps.  The area in which this awkwardness becomes most apparent (to me, at least) is in exercising my will to get what I want.  Brute force.  It's rather silly to admit, but I finally feel the confidence to really begin striving towards what I need to be romantically and psychologically fulfilled.  The problem with this is that as much as I can be aware of my desire and my determination to satiate, I still need to learn how to properly communicate it to others around me.  My humanity is as perfectly crooked as anyone's, it only needs to be correctly stated and understood.

Clearly, I like expressing myself.  My hope is that the blog can be cathartic for me and hopefully be entertaining for you, dear reader.  An ulterior hope is that your reading this can contextualize me to you better (or differently?) than I can in my actions or direct words.  Be you a close friend, love interest, acquaintance, or anonymous voyeur, I hope that with these writings I we can meet somewhere in the middle of our mutual feelings and expressions to find commonality, understanding.  This is important to me right now because I have felt rather adrift in my communication lately, and I want this forum to help right the ship.  Through this blog, maybe A will recognize why liking Secretary is not perverted, B will learn why I need feel deep connections to women I sleep with, C will understand how Benjamin Button could leave me cheated by its false association to Fitzgerald and yet remain somewhat moved by it’s message, and D will contextualize what love and affection really means.  And maybe I will learn that these idiosyncrasies require no explanation.

Lately, I have correctly expressed so many things to myself, but incorrectly to others.  I want to reach mutual understanding, for all of us to really get a grasp for what one another mean.   I want this to be a forum for filling in the blanks; it might serve as an implicit request for forgiveness and understanding, on both personal and superficial levels.

It will probably take some time for me to develop a good voice through this medium, so bear with me on that.  As always, I am open to suggestions, on expression and in general life.  (Ahem: encouragement and suggestions would help me move along this process much faster.)

So, yeah, expect these general and specific subjects to come up soon and/or often: love, hate, playing the hero versus being the villain, friends, school, film, art, how idleness feels after going through a killer semester, politics, corporate law, basketball, identity, and me.

I will also try to share my inspirations with you as much as is possible for me and tolerable for you.

Here is an inspiration:

Here is another:

The Ghost - James Yuill

And another:



(I don’t know what the copyright laws are for sharing music online, but I will try to include music and clips that I like.)

For tomorrow: a critique on the Curious Case(s) of Benjamin Button.

See you later.

P.S. Thanks, Ryan, for suggesting that I do this. Last night’s conversation was your surrogate girlfriendness at it’s best.